DREAD IS FRIEND

i need not say and brag to anyone how lucky and relieved i am with the fact that i have so many friends identifying them one by one would be impossible. thanks to the experiences and taken for granted opportunities, they pave to the success of a friendster account.

i do not deny that there are some people who i can only acknowledge through their physical appearance. i was unable to establish any significant relationship among them. blaming would be definitely useless for that matter.

this is not about how i garnered the number, nor is it on any particular buddy some entitle as their best friend. this is simply the truth to everything i have come to known. an eyewitness to the beyond of words and actions done. a nightmare embracing security without effort, with fear taking over that one day all is gone.

the thing with being around friend is energy. one is not forced to burn out the strength within he contains with himself, the sharing of the experiences, views and the essence of togetherness allows him to forget how hard that day could possibly be. all other problems and stressing situations can be temporarily cured. and for that, they have my respect.

but not at all times it is plausible to enjoy full time with them. every moment that a personal crisis arrives to get hold of me, i find it hard to crash into someone who's willing enough to catch me safe and sound. it turns out that i would suddenly find myself alone on a secluded street where it is dark and only the hustle of the wind is heard.

i may be so expressive with all that concerns me. it is not in my fear that i would allow myself to be unheard and shun out of the limelight. i believe i am powerful enough to have anyone's attention and convince them with a little bit of shaky hands yet through an interesting and funny talk, nothing seems hard at all.

i admit i am selfish and always taken aback with my own emotions. i never showed any sign of negativity whenever around friends, nor do i want them concerned with my own. i have believed solely that i could work things out on my own, without having anybody ushering me where to stand and shout aloud.

but i regret i am not fully open with who i am. it is not simply easy to tell another a problem so complicated that even i could not explain it clearly. but hints of it are the sudden stress and sentiments. it drives me crazy to know that fate does not want me to enjoy every bit of it. and it sickens me, tempting me to transform into a person anyone would definitely fear and hate.

but why would i not try to seek help is definitely out of the question. i do. i did. and i failed. everytime i try to reach out to somebody i would suddenly feel helpless and in the end, it is just a guts feeling that i know that i could not be helped by anybody. i have been selfless enough to help everybody i could, and i feel shame when i can't do it myself.

all i want now is someone to talk with. yet it would not be an easy task. i am on the verge of dying hopeless and weak. i have not been strong enough for myself... but i have to deal with it. sooner or later, everything must end. but i can not wait any longer...