HOPING FOR THE LAST TIME

gruesome seconds turned into hours into days into weeks... and sadly, into months! the fact that i've been through the last (and worst part) of my seventeen years of existence, i am suffering from a loss of a friend that i never knew why.

people who consider themselves as friends think that i've fallen in love with this person. but the problem is, we never even got to know each other that well, putting beside professional tales that we've worked together. they think it's my own choice of wanting to see that person, of needing to talk or get the eyes look into mine... the desires of the heart, can't just be wasted into the bin...

but is this infatuation? that maybe really puzzles me. and still, no answer can be found.

some time later, even if it would only be less than two months before the two of us end this working relationship we had, there was a sudden change of hearts. this person turned out to be the last and farthest person i could reach, out of my grasp, and impossible to hold on to. sadly, and for the worst part, it felt like i was never known by this friend. as if i was exiled in the community of friends this person has established. i was shun out of the light, the hope that i'm expecting to give me some courage and face the truth with you.

but no, destiny wanted me to stay away. it forced me to bid goodbye forever. and in just a flick of an eye... you were gone...

and now, sitting here to the point of nowhere, i question myself why the hell am i waiting for? sometimes yes, the only thing to get my life going on is force myself to forget this person and just move on, find another... but damn hell this shit! it's killing me!

i just wished everything would end the way they should be, and not by how you want it. i am hoping that we could see each other again and talk, even for the last time, settle the final score, at least try making ends meet, resolve issues and see one good smile... and finally, a goodbye that would really shatter my bones, strain my muscles, squish my brain and drain my heart... a goodbye that will mark the end of line and another starting point for both of us, yet on separate ways... for we have learned this time. these, i'm still praying for.

help me... you have to unveil me from a blanket of fear, hatred and anguish pain. i love you, do i?

INESCAPABLE MOOD SWINGS

these past few days weren't that good for me. school is back alright, but i'm not even willing to accept the fact that vacation's over. i may be excited to see my classmates again, old and new, but never do i wanna see myself groping over those books and notes! darn it...

after a long time, i returned to http://web.tickle.com to acquire other interesting tests. actually, i almost had all answered. but this time, seeing the question "What Makes Your Mood Swing?" caught my attention, and it really helped me somehow.

what keeps me upbeat is being energetic. i can be wild, spontaneous, hyperactive, noisy, and excited... these are what holds me from getting to the dark side. unfortunately, the results also show that being on that other side is caused by exhaustion or stress. yes, school work and other responsibilities may give me a bad day... those shit-ass people who care less than themselves, bitches who never wanted to understand anything at all... dimwits!

agh, i'm tired... totally dead tired! and at this point, the feeling of sadness starts to crawl into my arteries and i'm beginning to hate myself again... the others, well they're still safe for now. how i wish everything related to me is fine. how i wish people would just try to understand me. how i wish i can just fully be numb and careless from all the good and bad things that keep on pinching me every second of my life.

now, I'm in need for someone... badly. (Sighs)

IT COULDN'T BE DONE

Somebody said that it couldn't be done
But he with a chuckle replied
That "maybe it couldn't," but he would be one
Who wouldn't say so till he tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done, and he did it.

Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that;
At least no one ever has done it";
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat,
And the first thing we knew he'd begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done, and he did it.

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
There are thousands to prophesy failure;
There are thousands to point out to you, one by one,
The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,
Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start to sing as you tackle the thing
That "cannot be done," and you'll do it.

Edgar A. Guest

DE HISTORIA CONSCRIBENDA

The historian should be fearless and incorruptible; a man of independence, loving frankness and truth; one who, as the poet says, calls a fig a fig and a spade a spade. He should yield to neither hatred nor affection, but should be unsparing and unpitying. He should be neither shy nor deprecating, but an impartial judge, giving each side all it deserves but no more. He should know in his writings no country and no city; he should bow to no authority and acknowledge no king. He should never consider what this or that man will think, but should state the fact as they really occurred.

Lucian, "How History Should Be Written - The Great Thoughts"