NO MORE BUT PAIN

there would be no need for me to try and recover. i've realized that i'm over with everything i despised and the only thing that keeps me from stepping forward is avoiding my steps on top of them.

iron balls chained around me unusually get a lot heavier when things seem to be so damn forgotten. the thing is, they do not want to be extinct to the memory that continues to haunt me. though i attempt to bring along a giant scissor, the link seemed like the golden thread woven by those three mythical bitches.

if two existing beings like us are torn apart because of some unexplainable drama, another comes to rescue and stupidly pairs us knowing it impossible to succeed. yet the problem is, that third being seems to enjoy it... add to that the so-called friends who just watch from behind and give themselves a laugh of their own.

i would actually have to pity a person who doesn't seem to understand that even though he would try his best to connect two worthless people, it would be of his own embarrassment tom fulfill. i myself confronted the fact, but they never gave up. sadly, they're the ones who i must cut off... and slid their throats all at once.

there are others apart from them. they think i am behind a beautiful mask well hidden off in the woods. ignorant i am, i kept every word they say to myself, knowing that time would pass by and everything would simply buried. yet their hunger for the worse is unavoidable, and they succeed in finding new preys. it's shit to hear names who are now victims with the truth never proven, yet believed. dare i might say stand up in front of them and tell everything, but i believe no one will hesitate to pull me down and scream in my ears how stupid i am for being a liar.

the sore loser stands still. and i have to gun them down now. i'm tired already with all the fuck i get from them. and they have to thank me for a soothing aura i envelop around myself. the truth is what i hold, not theirs to eat.

i bid everyone to talk... and sigh in the end.

SO YOU THINK I AM ONE?

no more beating around the bushes, sir... it is time to get it straight to the point... and i mean straight! 'coz this is what i am supposed to elaborate on...

people tend to find me as one of those happy-go-lucky kids lurking around to have and enjoy life simply at its best. conclude the point that i am no boredom. indeed, i am the life i own, always on full tank and nevertheless, inextinguishable.

but the eyes of telltalers unsatisfy their own withness to a reality basic to the ordinary. little details are emphasized to reveal the bigger picture. it is believed i've been hiding something sacred to the most of the society.

with just a little wicked smile starting to spread across their faces, they think they have already reached the point of discovery. what is thought of as the door to the deep, dark abyss is seen to be the key to my own downfall.

it's got to do something with a personality said to be hidden beneath with all my actions. if you're trying to decipher yourself but still in the midst of confusion, you can just ask me straight to my face and everything would be fine... but i don't know if that would still be the case after i answer.

to those who think they are right with what they are thinking, though... here's the answer... and defy me when i say it's a REAL answer.

i am not. simple as that: a no no, sir.

i grew up in a community where the existence of all classes of mankind can be distinguished. i enrolled in two schools where i am prone to different people of different races, cultures, beliefs and statures. it came to the point where i have to face them because of the responsibilities i took. i won't deny that the people around me, especially friends, really are a big influence on me. there would be times when i absent-mindedly would imitate their own actions and make them mine in the end. and there was no stoppping of being a part of them myself.

i am childish, and i put on a temper when i don't get my way even at the most simple thought. i would walk sheepishly with my hands clenching to the straps of my backpack like a toddler going to nursery. i would scream in delight, shout in horror, say bad words with disgust, and talk like it's the last time i would... there's no regret with that, and i have no problem with these.

it's just that people are too absurd to be judgmental, and i can't blame them for that... this is the society i was born to. and i have to face the fact that some people are just plain white stupid. sometimes, i just wish i was more of the serious side, than be the funny one. that way, i won't be looked as another being trapped in a worthless body.

clear my conscience, then.

DID I HEAR A GOODBYE?

work really has been very demanding this past week. striving hard for a succesful event is time consuming and stressing. i even got sick in the near end, sadly. yet being driven by passion and for the love of simply in motion kept me standing for the activities that lie ahead.

but enough with that. managing at the proper caused stutters and a mode of panic. funny thing is, i enjoyed it as much as i have done in the preparations. so there was nothing of a bit painstakingly suicidal.

oh yes, i was expecting the nonses to remain nonsense, the shit to stay simply shit. but hell did i realize that the person of such disgrace would still come and bring along the burning purgatory.

good thing, i didn't mind. but i ignored the presence, anyway there are other matters that needed more attention at those moments.

yet at the end of a successful project, after bringing down the now-junk logistics and piling them for the bin, some organizers other than me started to leave.

then i heard a goodbye.

i heard a simple, casual goodbye.

all the time i am with this person, along with other colleagues, we're the only ones who never bade farewell to each other. as if the other never exists at all.

(sighs with a sad smile...)

i do not know what i really am wishing for. i couldn't decide if i wished i totally heard the word. anyway i wasn't even looking when i heard it.

if that was real, maybe i could finally manage a smile to this person; work with informally and not too serious anymore. escape from a cold civil war i've been traped into for a very long time.

yes, finally...!

but if it's not, then everything's not over yet.

HOPING FOR THE LAST TIME

gruesome seconds turned into hours into days into weeks... and sadly, into months! the fact that i've been through the last (and worst part) of my seventeen years of existence, i am suffering from a loss of a friend that i never knew why.

people who consider themselves as friends think that i've fallen in love with this person. but the problem is, we never even got to know each other that well, putting beside professional tales that we've worked together. they think it's my own choice of wanting to see that person, of needing to talk or get the eyes look into mine... the desires of the heart, can't just be wasted into the bin...

but is this infatuation? that maybe really puzzles me. and still, no answer can be found.

some time later, even if it would only be less than two months before the two of us end this working relationship we had, there was a sudden change of hearts. this person turned out to be the last and farthest person i could reach, out of my grasp, and impossible to hold on to. sadly, and for the worst part, it felt like i was never known by this friend. as if i was exiled in the community of friends this person has established. i was shun out of the light, the hope that i'm expecting to give me some courage and face the truth with you.

but no, destiny wanted me to stay away. it forced me to bid goodbye forever. and in just a flick of an eye... you were gone...

and now, sitting here to the point of nowhere, i question myself why the hell am i waiting for? sometimes yes, the only thing to get my life going on is force myself to forget this person and just move on, find another... but damn hell this shit! it's killing me!

i just wished everything would end the way they should be, and not by how you want it. i am hoping that we could see each other again and talk, even for the last time, settle the final score, at least try making ends meet, resolve issues and see one good smile... and finally, a goodbye that would really shatter my bones, strain my muscles, squish my brain and drain my heart... a goodbye that will mark the end of line and another starting point for both of us, yet on separate ways... for we have learned this time. these, i'm still praying for.

help me... you have to unveil me from a blanket of fear, hatred and anguish pain. i love you, do i?

INESCAPABLE MOOD SWINGS

these past few days weren't that good for me. school is back alright, but i'm not even willing to accept the fact that vacation's over. i may be excited to see my classmates again, old and new, but never do i wanna see myself groping over those books and notes! darn it...

after a long time, i returned to http://web.tickle.com to acquire other interesting tests. actually, i almost had all answered. but this time, seeing the question "What Makes Your Mood Swing?" caught my attention, and it really helped me somehow.

what keeps me upbeat is being energetic. i can be wild, spontaneous, hyperactive, noisy, and excited... these are what holds me from getting to the dark side. unfortunately, the results also show that being on that other side is caused by exhaustion or stress. yes, school work and other responsibilities may give me a bad day... those shit-ass people who care less than themselves, bitches who never wanted to understand anything at all... dimwits!

agh, i'm tired... totally dead tired! and at this point, the feeling of sadness starts to crawl into my arteries and i'm beginning to hate myself again... the others, well they're still safe for now. how i wish everything related to me is fine. how i wish people would just try to understand me. how i wish i can just fully be numb and careless from all the good and bad things that keep on pinching me every second of my life.

now, I'm in need for someone... badly. (Sighs)

IT COULDN'T BE DONE

Somebody said that it couldn't be done
But he with a chuckle replied
That "maybe it couldn't," but he would be one
Who wouldn't say so till he tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done, and he did it.

Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that;
At least no one ever has done it";
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat,
And the first thing we knew he'd begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done, and he did it.

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
There are thousands to prophesy failure;
There are thousands to point out to you, one by one,
The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,
Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start to sing as you tackle the thing
That "cannot be done," and you'll do it.

Edgar A. Guest

DE HISTORIA CONSCRIBENDA

The historian should be fearless and incorruptible; a man of independence, loving frankness and truth; one who, as the poet says, calls a fig a fig and a spade a spade. He should yield to neither hatred nor affection, but should be unsparing and unpitying. He should be neither shy nor deprecating, but an impartial judge, giving each side all it deserves but no more. He should know in his writings no country and no city; he should bow to no authority and acknowledge no king. He should never consider what this or that man will think, but should state the fact as they really occurred.

Lucian, "How History Should Be Written - The Great Thoughts"