IIWASAN PA RIN KITA

ayaw pa rin kitang makita.

nagawa ko nang kalimutan ka matapos ang mapait na nakaraan. tinangay na ng hangin ang masasakit na alaala na namagitan sa ating dalawa. nabura na sa aking isipan ang mga hindi katanggap-tanggap na eksena. hindi ko na pinipilit sa sarili ko na magiging maayos pa rin ang lahat, kahit alam ko nuon pa man na hindi na maibabalik sa dati ang ating napagsamahan.

nagtagumpay ako sa paglimot sa'yo para maituon ko ang atensyon sa iba pang bagay. nagawa kong kalimutan at hindi na ako naabala sa pag-iisip sa'yo. iniwan ko na ang nakaraan natin at ngayo'y buhay pa rin ako hanggang ngayon.

tapos na ang lahat sa'tin. wala na'ng kailangang balikan pa. hindi ko na kailangang pagsisihan ang mga nangyari. wala na akong magagawa kung nakatadhana sa atin ang ganitong klaseng buhay.

pero iiwasan pa rin kita.

hindi ko magagawang makita ka muli, o kausapin at tignan ka man lang. kung sakaling masulyapan kita, agad akong lilingon para makaiwas pa sa mas malalang problema. iiwasan kita para wala nang makakapag-isip na may namagitan sa atin noon. gagawin ko ito para sa'yo.

huwag mong sabihin sa'kin na nahihiya ako sa'yo. huwag mong isipin na hindi ko kayang harapin ka na may tapang at buo ang loob. kahit alam kong ma-pride ako, hindi ko hahayaang apakan ako ng ibang anino... tanggap ko ang inilaan sa ating dalawa, kahit naging mapait pa ito.

huwag ka nang magtanong pa, hindi ko rin naman maipapaliwanag sa'yo ito ng maayos kahit makapag-usap muli tayo ng masinsinan. oo, siguro miss [mahal] pa rin kita hanggang ngayon. pero ni minsan ay nagkaroon ka ng pakialam sa'kin.

hayaan mo na ako ditong mag-isa, kaya ko pa naman.

PARA SA ISANG PARTIKULAR NA IKAW

kung alam mo lang sana ang nangyayari ngayon sa mga buhay-buhay natin nitong nakaraang mga araw, mga linggo, mga buwan. madalang na tayong mag-usap hindi katulad ng dati. ang hirap nang mabalitaan ang isa't isa dahil kahit man lang ang mga kompyuter natin ay walang maitulong. wala na tuloy akong marinig mula sa'yo o kahit magtanong pa ako sa mga kaibigan natin.

para bang nawala ka na lang na parang pumutok na bula. ni hindi ko namalayan na hindi ka na pala nagpaparamdam hanggang sa kinailangan kita. kung kailan hinahanap-hanap na kita para makausap, makapiling o kahit makita man lang, hindi kita mahuli sa pinagtataguan mo. nalungkot lang ako lalo...

oo, miss na kita hanggang ngayon.

at naiinis ako dahil wala man akong magawa nang wala ka.

binabalikan ko ang mga panahong madalas tayo mag-usap. sa telepono na umaabot ng umaga dahil lamang sa mga pesteng problema ng buhay. sa text na inuubos dati ang mga load natin para lang makamusta ang lagay ng isa. sa chat na kung magpalitan ng mga salita eh parang hindi pa nagkikita ng ilang linggo. at tuwing nagsasama naman tayo, mga ngiti at kwentong interesante lang ang nababanggit.

masyado lang siguro akong nasanay na ginagawa natin ito palagi.

pero ngayon... parang hindi lang ikaw ang nawala, marami. nawalan ako ng kasama sa maraming bagay, karamay, kakampi, katunggali, at kabogchi. para akong isang adik na nawalan ng bisyo bigla, hinahanap muli ang nawala sa'kin.

siguro masyado lang akong naging makasarili at hinayaan ko ang sarili kong maangkin ka ng lubos. hindi ko inisip na isang araw ay pwede mong lisanin ang buhay ko't iwan ng mag-isa. hindi ko man napaghandaan ang mga ganitong klaseng sitwasyon.

ngayon naiinis ako sa sarili ko. hindi ko mapatawad ang isang taong katulad ko na hindi marunong matuto sa sarili niya. masyado akong umasa sa'yo, na inakala kong tatagal ang ating pagsasama. gusto ko nang umiyak pero pati iyon ay hindi ko man mapagtagumpayan.

humahantong ako sa mga puntong hindi ko madalas napagbibigyan. maaaring itong nararamdaman ko na para sa'yo ay hindi lamang ng isang kaibigan. maaaring turing kapatid o kaya'y higit sa isang inaakmang pag-ibig. ngunit hanggang ngayon ay pinagtatalunan pa ito ng aking utak at puso, nalilito pa hanggang ngayon...

ito ang dahilan kung bakit ko nabuo ito... dahil lamang sa'yo. hindi lamang sa kadahilanang inaalala kita, kundi kailangan kita. wala akong balak humingi ng anumang kapalit mula sa'yo. sa tagal ng ating napagsamahan, masasabi kong isa ka sa mga nakakakilala sa'kin ng lubusan.

sana mabasa mo ito... pero alam kong imposibleng mangyari iyon. aasa na lang akong darating rin ang pagkakataon. maintindihan mo lang sana ako. kailangan kita, at hindi na kailangang tanungin pa kung bakit.

THE PAIN OF LOVE

up until now, i do not fully understand the concept of love. surely it has brought me into different parts of a world i never knew they actually existed. because of this i not only what or why is it felt at the most unexpected moments, i ventured into the eye of the needle and experienced the most memorable.

yet love is not always that good. it also produced to me the pain lavishing within my veins when i willingly sacrificed almost everything and what remains is a dull, lonely soul. because of this, everything that fails is lost in a realm i never owned.

succeeding in this art is a rare and truly a gift. once rewarded one cherishes it to the point that an evil mist attempts to blind him for selfishness. out will errupt misunderstanding and nowhere will he find himself in the end.

the fear of rejection. the fear of being misunderstood. the fear of being looked down to. the fear of lust and pleasure. the fear of discrimination. the fear of outcasting.

the thoughts streaming over send shiver down my spine... i would shout out loud why the hell would a world want a balance? why does there have to be evil when good is always thought to overcome it? and why can't love conquer all if pain is the way?

i do not want to believe in it anymore. no power has ever convinced me to contrinue dreaming for it. that one day arriving seems eternity and i couldn't wait any longer. many times i've been tested and i tried to seek from it, i ended up playing the "it" and catch whatever's hiding from me. the truth does not set one free, but makes one realize what has to be done.

love is a crime. and it's killing me. it's torturing me with some i have thought would bring me out of the bloody swamp and dry me off into the sunlight. the right persons that i have believed so left. i was alone all along.

but i'm hoping... because i need it. yet i do not even know what it is... come what may, and take me to where i should be. coz i won't be staying here very long if i would not know what should be...

DREAD IS FRIEND

i need not say and brag to anyone how lucky and relieved i am with the fact that i have so many friends identifying them one by one would be impossible. thanks to the experiences and taken for granted opportunities, they pave to the success of a friendster account.

i do not deny that there are some people who i can only acknowledge through their physical appearance. i was unable to establish any significant relationship among them. blaming would be definitely useless for that matter.

this is not about how i garnered the number, nor is it on any particular buddy some entitle as their best friend. this is simply the truth to everything i have come to known. an eyewitness to the beyond of words and actions done. a nightmare embracing security without effort, with fear taking over that one day all is gone.

the thing with being around friend is energy. one is not forced to burn out the strength within he contains with himself, the sharing of the experiences, views and the essence of togetherness allows him to forget how hard that day could possibly be. all other problems and stressing situations can be temporarily cured. and for that, they have my respect.

but not at all times it is plausible to enjoy full time with them. every moment that a personal crisis arrives to get hold of me, i find it hard to crash into someone who's willing enough to catch me safe and sound. it turns out that i would suddenly find myself alone on a secluded street where it is dark and only the hustle of the wind is heard.

i may be so expressive with all that concerns me. it is not in my fear that i would allow myself to be unheard and shun out of the limelight. i believe i am powerful enough to have anyone's attention and convince them with a little bit of shaky hands yet through an interesting and funny talk, nothing seems hard at all.

i admit i am selfish and always taken aback with my own emotions. i never showed any sign of negativity whenever around friends, nor do i want them concerned with my own. i have believed solely that i could work things out on my own, without having anybody ushering me where to stand and shout aloud.

but i regret i am not fully open with who i am. it is not simply easy to tell another a problem so complicated that even i could not explain it clearly. but hints of it are the sudden stress and sentiments. it drives me crazy to know that fate does not want me to enjoy every bit of it. and it sickens me, tempting me to transform into a person anyone would definitely fear and hate.

but why would i not try to seek help is definitely out of the question. i do. i did. and i failed. everytime i try to reach out to somebody i would suddenly feel helpless and in the end, it is just a guts feeling that i know that i could not be helped by anybody. i have been selfless enough to help everybody i could, and i feel shame when i can't do it myself.

all i want now is someone to talk with. yet it would not be an easy task. i am on the verge of dying hopeless and weak. i have not been strong enough for myself... but i have to deal with it. sooner or later, everything must end. but i can not wait any longer...