PAGLILINAW

Lilinawin ko lang po:
Gusto ko na pong mamatay, at hindi po yung gusto ko na'ng magpakamatay.
Magkaiba po silang dalawa.
Maraming salamat.

Alam kong mas duwag pakinggan yung una, na tila ba hihintayin ko na lang na may mangyari sa'kin. Kesa aksyunan ko ka'gad ang buhay ko, heto ako't umaasang may may mangyayaring aksidente o sakuna, o kaya nama'y mabibiktima ako ng isang matinding sakit na hanggang ngayo'y wala pa ring lunas.

Oo, duwag nga ako. Takot akong hamakin ang sarili ko. Takot akong masisi. Dahil tumatatak pa rin sa isip ko kung sakaling gagawin ko yun: na sa halip na intindihin nila kung bakit ko ginawa yun, agad-agad silang manghuhusga.

Kaya nga ginawa/gagawin ko yun eh, dahil hindi ko na kinakaya ang mga mapalinlang at mga taksil ninyong panghuhusga. Hanggang sa kamatayan ko ba naman?

Depression is a medical condition

"Explain that depression is a medical condition, caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. It   is not a sign of weakness or some kind of character flaw, and usually gets better with treatment."

Source: 8 ways to compassionately support someone with depression

TALK TO ME

In my mind, I was determined to seek advice from a guidance counselor of the school I am teaching at. But as my classes are scheduled on the weekend, no one was available.
I have also considered talking to one of the HR officers of the company I am working with.

Because I have questions.
Do we have means of determining and monitoring the mental/emotional/psychological health, like tests, consultations, or something?
Do we actually monitor these things?

A lot has been going through my mind.
Whenever news dawns on me, especially if it involves family, I get distracted. I become confused. I get to be extra-sensitive and start over-thinking things: relationships, work, activities, and more. I feel conscious of the people around me: their actions, their facial expressions and reactions. I would worry more than usual.

And then I'm stuck with nowhere.

So I wanted to be sure. But I'm not sure where to start. Even when I looked it up online, I couldn't convince myself of the things I already knew beforehand.

I realized it's impossible for online tests not to exist. I took four.

from depression.org.nz

from psychtests.com

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	Moderate
Dysthymia:	High-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Very Slight
Cyclothymia:	Slight-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test
from depression.org.nz

from psychcentral.com

So how accurate are they? How reliable are they?

In the end, I will need someone to talk to.